Going to SC again!

Tina, Tommy, Riley, Billy, Jeff and I are all going to see dad this weekend. The flights are booked! I am leaving my kids home with my mom. Hope she is up for the challenge! I know I am going to have a hard time leaving them, but we will plug through!

Pray for us!

How do I tell her?

Tonight we (kids and I) we in the car so I decided to call my Aunt to check up on Dad. I spoke to my cousin and she let me know that Dad was continuing to decline. He is comfortable, meds are regulated great, but last night he passed out and today almost fell. He is no longer getting up at all. He was delivered a hospital bed and a walker. Tonight the nurses were going to come over to help get him in the bed and give him a bath. I like to call and check up on my dad, but it really changes my mood and feelings for the rest of the day. This is why I only call to check up in the evening.

So, anyway, when I got off the phone I was crying. Maddie asks me why I am always crying when I get off of the phone. So I told her I was upset that Grandpa was sick. She began to ask more questions, So I just told her... "Grandpa is getting read to go to heaven." She was a little shocked, thought about it for a second and said (tearfully), "Is Jesus going to take care of him?" "Will he be all better in Heaven?" I of course answered YES! She said, " I hope I get to see him again before he goes." "Maddie you probably will not." I replied. She began to cry harder and said, "but I want to say Goodbye before he dies!." Oh how I feel so bad for her. I want to say goodbye too! I know how she feels. I just know that I can not take her there. I do not want her last memory of my dad to be laying in a bed and not looking his best.

My heart aches for her tonight. I wish I could have sugar coated it better, but she really gets it now. She even asked me if he will see all the people she knows that are in Heaven. And I said YES. The other day we talked about people we know that are in heaven. And she was right on... I am proud of her for the way she reacted and now I think she will understand my tears more. I just hope that it does not affect her in too many other ways!

I think we will draw Grandpa some more pictures tomorrow! If anyone has any other suggestions for me on how to deal with death with a 5 year old I would love to talk! Thank you everyone for your prayer and your kind words, they really mean a lot!

UPDATE ON DAD

We have had several second opinions and they are all telling what the Dr's in the hospital said. Chemo really is not an option. They said he could do it, but it would only, at the very longest, make his life about 12 months longer, but that is rare.

Currently Dad is not eating much and sleeps alot. He is still taking all his medications and is comfortable. It takes him a ton of energy to take a shower. The Dr's have told us that organs will begin to fail, he will stop eating, and he will sleep alot. The sleep will turn into a coma and then he will die comfortably in his sleep.

This is so hard to write. I know that mentally preparing for someones death is a little easier than a sudden death, but GOD DAMN is this hard. Every day I am scared to answer the phone for fear that it is going to be a bad phone call. I used to let Maddie answer every call, now I never let her answer the phone.

I realized yesterday that my feelings were showing on the outside and were affecting my kids. We had a very bad day yesterday. I was short on patience and the kids seems to be SO BAD.. then I realized it was my attitude wearing off on them. I went to bed last night telling myself that I will not let this affect my kids on a daily basis. I need to be strong for them and MYSELF. This is a hard feat, but today i did it. We playing this morning at Boro Kid Zone and then outside with the neighbors. It is amazing that when I bury my emotions and how much better the kids are. I am going to try my hardest to keep that in mind... They need me and when I am a wreck, so are they.

I am not saying that I wont have my bad days, but I am going to try very hard to vent on my blog and to family after bedtime and not during the day with my kids!

Dad is still cracking us up!

We have been in Bluffton SC to be with my dad since friday. We have been working non-stop to get a lot of work done. Dad is doing "good". He is showering on his own, eating with help, drinking tons, but sleeps alot. He is still DAD... and I say that because he is still cheap and a neat freak! It cracks me up!

I need to share a few stories from down here. Dad is on hospice care. They come here twice a week to check on him. The sicker he gets, the more they will come. (Aunt Janet has moved in with him and will be taking care of him full time!) But being that he does not have insurance hospice has taken him on as a charity case. He does not have to pay for any of his meds! So the hospice women were here to give us the run down and dad was in his chair mumbling something. Billy when to check on him and he said to him " can you believe all of this shit they are giving me for FREE?" Billy almost fell on the floor in laughter. My dad is very cheap and this is making him so happy! LOL.

Then we needed to ask him some very tough questions... like where he wanted to be buried and how and all of the things you NEVER want to ask you parents or loved ones! But anyway, he said he wanted it done just like his sister.... and I quote " just like Angie's (his sister) memorial service and then they feed you . Food was great and it was CHEAP!" OMG... the man is going to worry about money in heaven! LOL.

I am very happy with the time we had here with dad and that we could still laugh at some of the stuff that he is thinking about! We love him tons and are scared to leave him. But there are many angels looking down on him, us, and his family... so I am ok leaving!!

Dad has an apt for a second opinion next monday. Pray for a good answer!

Overwhelmed!

***I am doing back through from things a wrote last week. I decided to post them. But they seem old now. So this might be info you already know!*****

So I sit here totally overwhelmed. And some of it is good overwhelmed. Let me paint the picture. As of bed last night I was mentally preparing myself for a 12+ hour car ride with my whole family to South Carolina. I was overwhelmed by this idea, but I was doing what ever I had to to get to my dad. I received an early phone call from my sister telling me that dad did not want all of the chaos. I totally understand and decided to do what my dad need and not what we wanted!



So to the computer I went to make arrangements to fly there! Ugg... after a little bit of back and forth they are booked! Leaving Friday morning coming home Monday night. I have not seen my husband since Monday, he will come home at 2 am and I will leave at 4:30 am. Maddie is upset that she is not going, but after much talking to her she now understands why there was a change of plans and she is OK with it!



So I went from packing for 5 mode to making sure everything is in the house for Jeff for the 4 days. So we went to the grocery store with them in mind. I think I totally failed on my mission, But Jeff will survive!



I am a bit overwhelmed by the out pour from my friends, neighbors, and families. People are taking my kids, offering to make us meals (I have rejected the offer ... but I might need it later!), people offering their homes and cars for us to use in SC, and so much more! And the prayers are coming from all over the world! I can not thank them enough and I really appreciate everything that people have done for me.



Tina and I are on edge, as we should be, but I know everything will be fine as soon as we are together (with my brother too!) dealing with this together and not on the phone all day everyday!



This blog is going to be my place to put my thoughts down so I don't explode. Jeff is currently in Arizona and was in California earlier this week, so with the time zone difference, we really have not talked much. So this blog will be my place to put it out there! Thank you again everyone...

My Dad

My sister started a page on her blog to keep the family updated on Dad. What a great way to keep everyone informed and not have to repeat the story 50 million times 200 times a day! So thank you TINA! www.rileybreen.com (Bill Carfaro Updates!) I was not going to blog about same thing, then I realized that the blog is my way to get out my emotions. I think I am going to need my blog to tell it my way, from my mind and emotions.

So for those of you that do not know what is going on ...

My dad has not been feeling well for a while. He was in the process of trying to get health insurance before he when to see a Doctor. In the mean time he was only getting sicker. He was finally taken to the ER by his neighbor on Saturday April 10th. Dad was convinced that his heart was failing. Heart disease runs in our family. After a few tests the heart checked out great! But he was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer. According to the Drs in South Carolina it is untreatable. When dad is not looped up on Morphine, he sounds great!

Today Tina is on a mission to talk to the Dr's herself, get some answers and then have his records sent to Sloan Kettering for a second opinion. We have a lot a head of us...

Tina and I are planning a trip to see him as soon as we get some more answers. This trip might be as early as Friday. We just don't know yet! I will continue to write to keep you all updated on his life.

Right now Uncle Clem is with him and has been since he went into the hospital. Cousin Joanne went to see him today and cousins Jennifer and Mario are planning a trip down. Thank you everyone for your support! Pray hard... He needs it!