Happy Birthday Dad

On October 24, 2010 we decided to celebrate my Dad's Birthday. He would have been 61 this year! This is our first birthday with out him. Madison suggested that we sent him some balloons. So we bought navy blue and white balloons (dad's favorite Yankee colors) and sent them to him. This was a beautiful thing to watch as the kids talked to him, sang to him, and kissed him! They watched until they could see no more!

I was sad, but so happy that this was the first time that they let go of a helium balloon with out tears. They really believe that he got them. Tyler still looks outside and mentions the balloons often!

Enjoy some of my pictures!

2010 Christmas lists

I am going to start to write down our forever growing Christmas wish lists! The kids have been listing things for months, but I know if I do not write it down, forget it! I will add to this list often, so check back!


Madison:

itunes gift cards

Nintendo DSi games (age appropriate)

dress up clothes to fit a size 6. She really likes Tiana from the Disney store. The Disney store is the only place I see dress-up for bigger kids!

Anything to help her play school. Beckers has great stuff. Like posters, chalk, desk name plates, fun tack (blue), etc.

movie passes
DQ blizzard icecream maker


Savannah:

itunes gift cards

barbie

Toy Story 1, 2,

Disneys Tiana dress size 4/5

Movie Passes


Tyler:

Bog Foot Monster

Dinosaur Train DVD

Schleich animals (he does not have ANY but LOVES them... farm/zoo animals and marine life. But all are GREAT)

I think Schleich makes a barn too, but not sure if it is sturdy enough for Tyler??

A play mat for the floor for animals or cars!

Books about trains, planes, and trucks/cars! We sat in Barnes and Noble for quite a bit of time today and just looked at books! He would not put the big DK books down!

Mighy Beans


Jeff:

Eddie Bauer Gift cards

PS3 Games or Game Stop Gift Cards


Nikki:

itunes gift cards

electronic battleship (game)

Vera Bradley All in one Hello Dahlia pattern

Mini Hispster in very Berry paisley

Pandora

Disney Sing it for Wii (the one with ariel and other disney movies)

wii kareoke microphone

photoshop elements 9.0

canon powershot

docking station with speakers for my itouch

Let the fun begin......

So today the phone rings from the mother of one of the boys in Maddie's class. As a mother, it was my worst fear that her son and my daughter were having problems in school. NOPE... Mason wanted to talk to his friend Madison. So we put the two on the phone together and this is how the conversation went (note: Mason is a twin. Lucus is his brother and they are in the same class! And I only hear her side of the conversation)

Madison: Hello Mason. Why are you calling me? (Giggle giggle)

Madison: Where is Lucas, can I talk to him?

Madison: Hi Lucas. I don't like when you take my shoes off in school. Can you please stop doing that?

Madison: Can I talk to Mason?

Madison: Hi Mason. Thank you for taking me to the nurses office today!

Madison: Can I talk to your mom???

Madison: Hi, Lucas has been taking my shoes off in school and I don't really like it. And Mason was very nice today and took me to the nurses office when I hurt myself today!

I just about DIED!!! I don't think I will ever have to call a parent to handle a situation.. she will call the mother herself! So the mom gets on the phone and I talk to her briefly and she tells me that she will talk to Lucas! OMG!

So not only was a having a heart attack that BOYS are ALREADY calling my little girl... but then she tells the mother that she has an issue with her "other" son! I guess I should be proud of her! LOL! She really is making friends and has a better social life than me!

Maddie is a Kindergartener!

My baby has started Kindergarten! I have to say that the week leading up to the first day was stressing me out! They had a million papers to fill out, supplies to buy, clothes to buy, name tag to make, and much more! She was so excited and ready! I know that... but I have to say the bus thing was the hardest for me. I was so used to me taking her to school. Knowing just were I left her, how she go there and when she would be in my arms again. This was my job!!! I did not like the idea of her getting in the bus with someone I did not know who was driving, going on a path that I was not familiar with, and wondering how she would be getting into the school! I told myself I was not going to be THAT parent that followed the bus on the first day of school, but I must admit I might do it on Monday or Tuesday! I want to know where that thing goes! LOL!! Call me over protective, that is ok!

Maddie was told to make a name tag for school. All of the other teachers supplied the name tags for the kids but not ours! Although this was an easy task, we had a great idea! (we know how to make things complicated! ) I made her an ID badge! It was so simple and easy and Jeff had it printed at work! She loved it, I loved it... (See below!)

Overall, she had a great first day and is excited to go back again on Monday! I am still getting used to her being gone! Still miss her when she is not here... but I am sure that will wear off soon!

So Proud of Maddie!

So this post comes with mixed emotions, my baby is growing up! Although I love her independance, I do not like that I am loosing my baby.

A few weeks ago Madison's friend had a party to celebrate that she is sleeping in her bed all night. I thought it was a great idea on the parents part, so I asked Maddie the same. If she sleeps in her bed for 30 consecutive nights I would throw her a party of her choice. She wanted nothing to do with it! My mom tried with a reward of 5 pairs of shoes. She LOVED that idea, but she did not like the 30 days part. So i decided to change the reward to every 7 days she got a pair of shoes until she got all 5. Which was a practical reward for me, she needs all new shoes for school!

When we came home from vacation she told me she was ready to sleep in her bed all night! So we started the process. And like a lightbulb went off she realized that she feels better the next day when she is in her bed all night. As of today she has slept in her bed 16 nights! And with this she no longer takes a cup to bed with her. This is a HUGE thing here too. I have been trying to take a sippy cup of milk away from her until she was 2. Now, we have a glass of milk in the kitchen before bed and that is it. Being she shares a room with Savannah she is fine with this as well! YEAH!

Like I said in the beginning, she is growing up and i don't like it! I am not ready to have my little girl grow up! She is going to Kindergarten, starting girl scouts, ready to explore new things! I am excited for her but for me I am a bit sad! But all in all I am SO PROUD of her for getting over these 2 hurdles in life!

Saw my dad last night.....

So I was at a wedding last night, Congrats to Chrissy and Jack McGuire, and there was a man there that looked like my dad. I am not kidding you, he was my dad! It freaked me out for a few seconds, text my sister to ask her if it would be weird if I asked this random man for a hug. She responded no, as long as you are not drunk and make a fool of yourself.

So, after a few hours of staring at him, I bumped into him at the bar and he approached me first to ask me if he knew me. So much like my dad he was trying to pick me up until I told him, NO he does not know know me, but I know him... I told him the story of my dad and showed him a picture of dad. He was a bit freaked out. So much that he had us show the picture to his WHOLE family! He was a nice guy and asked me a lot about dad. He was so much like him it was scary. And the only thing I could say about it was... IT WAS A GOD THING!

Love you and miss you DAD! See pics below!

Dear Sainta Elaina,

AFTER

Today's post is for you Aunt Elaine. For everything that was done at the Cottage this weekend was in your honor! Reed, Jeff and Harland replaced the shower at the cottage this weekend. The shower at the cottage was first put in over 30 years ago and grandpa tells the story over and over again that his daughter, Elaine, was the one who helped carry the concrete slab (which was VERY heavy) up the step to the cottage. He never mentions anyone else who helped in that large job. So we always refer to her as Santa Elaina. Well, I am so sorry Aunt Elaine, you have been over thrown from your petestal. We all thought that you should have been here to remove the concrete slab... we know you could have done it ALONE! But we know you were not able to make it (nor wanted too!). So in your honor we have a beautiful new shower. It is a little larger than the last and SOOOOOO much better than the last! Dont worry Elaine, we are confident that the shower floor which had to be removed in pieces will be there for your viewing pleasure next time you venture to the cottage. But this time it is in the bottom of the river!

BEFORE:

Thank you Mom and Dad for suppling this for us. And thank you Jeff, Harland, and Dad who put it all in.

New Journeys

I had the opportunity to spend an hour with my Pastor to tell him all the wonderful things that have happened to me and my family during this most difficult time. I will write all of the stories soon here. He then asked me to help him with his sermon. I am sure I will be a little nervous, but this new faith journey I have just begun is SO COOL to me.

The sermon is for Confirmation Sunday. Pastor Todd will be talking about how GOD is sometimes hard to feel and how do we have faith if we can not see or feel him. So I am going to tell 2 of my stories from the last few weeks of my Dads life that I was able to feel GOD! I hope that some of the kids really take it to heart and feel GOD some day like I did. It took me 32 years, so it will come some day!

All I can say is "THANK YOU DAD FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THESE PAST FEW WEEKS, IT HAS CHANGED ME FOREVER! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!"

WE LOVE YOU DAD

On Saturday, Jeff, Tina, Tommy, Riley, Billy and I went back to SC to say goodbye to Dad. We knew this was going to be the last time we were going to see him, so we were prepared. Saturday and Sunday were much like we expected in dad. He was in a hospital bed, with medical equipment all around him. My aunt Janet and Uncle Clem were taking care of dad. As soon as we got there they left for a much needed break. We were responsible for dad. At first this scared the crap out of me but I amazed myself how quickly everyone just stepped up and did it.

We spent the whole weekend with dad and we each had time to talk to dad on our own. I was able to tell dad several times that I did not want him to suffer for us. It was time he went to be with the lord. It was a better place for him. He really did not seem to respond too much, but squeezed our hands to tell us he was there!

My cousin Joanne, whom I have not seen in over 20 years, also came to be with us during this time. What a god sent she was to us as well. She just lost her mom, Dads sister, this past November, so she has been through all of this. I know it was hard for her to revisit all of this, but she was so strong for us. THANK YOU JOANNE!

The day we were leaving, Monday, was the hardest on all of us. We knew we would never see him again. He was very aware and agitated that day. He had his eyes open the most we had seen in several weeks that day. He responded to our conversations, we read him cards, and played him phone messages, and told him again to go. Just before we were getting ready to leave Tina and Tommy decided to take Riley to the Dr, she had been crying all day. The stress levels rose then Tina came in to tell us Ry had a double ear infections. I saw GODs plan once again. Tina and Ry stayed with dad.

The next morning, Tuesday the 4th, Tina called me to tell me Dad was cold. I knew this was the end, as my Aunt Gayle forewarned me of this. About 20 minutes later Dad went to be with the lord. He went peacefully and surrounded by his family. I know Dad did not want to die with all of us here. He needed us to leave to go. And I am at peace with that. I am sorry that Tina had to see and deal with this with out Me or my brother. But I know this is what dad wanted. It is so hard to day goodbye, but am so very thankful for the time we had together over the weekend.

We hopped in the car with kids in tow and travelled back to SC. It was a a long 16 hour car ride, but we survived! Joanne and her family stayed with us in SC, which was also another blessing from GOD for me.

We had a memorial mass for Dad in SC and will have one on May 16th at St. Bernards in Plainfield at 3PM. There will also be another one at St Thomas Church in Staten Island on May 29th. Dad was loved by many all over the place!

Before we returned home to NJ we got dads cremains. At first I thought this was going to creep me out, but I think I have to say it has brought me comfort. Dad is sitting in my living room. I hear the kids talk to him. I too tell him good morning and goodnight everyday. I think I will really miss him when he is buried!

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments. We know how much dad was loved and will be missed! If you are interested at all we are asking for donations to be made to Agape Hospice in lieu of flowers. Dad was taking as a charity case from Agape because he did not have health insurance. They were the kindest people I have ever met and they were truly angels. I can not thank them enough!!!

AGAPE HOSPICE
433 First Ave
Ridgeland, SC 29936

Going to SC again!

Tina, Tommy, Riley, Billy, Jeff and I are all going to see dad this weekend. The flights are booked! I am leaving my kids home with my mom. Hope she is up for the challenge! I know I am going to have a hard time leaving them, but we will plug through!

Pray for us!

How do I tell her?

Tonight we (kids and I) we in the car so I decided to call my Aunt to check up on Dad. I spoke to my cousin and she let me know that Dad was continuing to decline. He is comfortable, meds are regulated great, but last night he passed out and today almost fell. He is no longer getting up at all. He was delivered a hospital bed and a walker. Tonight the nurses were going to come over to help get him in the bed and give him a bath. I like to call and check up on my dad, but it really changes my mood and feelings for the rest of the day. This is why I only call to check up in the evening.

So, anyway, when I got off the phone I was crying. Maddie asks me why I am always crying when I get off of the phone. So I told her I was upset that Grandpa was sick. She began to ask more questions, So I just told her... "Grandpa is getting read to go to heaven." She was a little shocked, thought about it for a second and said (tearfully), "Is Jesus going to take care of him?" "Will he be all better in Heaven?" I of course answered YES! She said, " I hope I get to see him again before he goes." "Maddie you probably will not." I replied. She began to cry harder and said, "but I want to say Goodbye before he dies!." Oh how I feel so bad for her. I want to say goodbye too! I know how she feels. I just know that I can not take her there. I do not want her last memory of my dad to be laying in a bed and not looking his best.

My heart aches for her tonight. I wish I could have sugar coated it better, but she really gets it now. She even asked me if he will see all the people she knows that are in Heaven. And I said YES. The other day we talked about people we know that are in heaven. And she was right on... I am proud of her for the way she reacted and now I think she will understand my tears more. I just hope that it does not affect her in too many other ways!

I think we will draw Grandpa some more pictures tomorrow! If anyone has any other suggestions for me on how to deal with death with a 5 year old I would love to talk! Thank you everyone for your prayer and your kind words, they really mean a lot!

UPDATE ON DAD

We have had several second opinions and they are all telling what the Dr's in the hospital said. Chemo really is not an option. They said he could do it, but it would only, at the very longest, make his life about 12 months longer, but that is rare.

Currently Dad is not eating much and sleeps alot. He is still taking all his medications and is comfortable. It takes him a ton of energy to take a shower. The Dr's have told us that organs will begin to fail, he will stop eating, and he will sleep alot. The sleep will turn into a coma and then he will die comfortably in his sleep.

This is so hard to write. I know that mentally preparing for someones death is a little easier than a sudden death, but GOD DAMN is this hard. Every day I am scared to answer the phone for fear that it is going to be a bad phone call. I used to let Maddie answer every call, now I never let her answer the phone.

I realized yesterday that my feelings were showing on the outside and were affecting my kids. We had a very bad day yesterday. I was short on patience and the kids seems to be SO BAD.. then I realized it was my attitude wearing off on them. I went to bed last night telling myself that I will not let this affect my kids on a daily basis. I need to be strong for them and MYSELF. This is a hard feat, but today i did it. We playing this morning at Boro Kid Zone and then outside with the neighbors. It is amazing that when I bury my emotions and how much better the kids are. I am going to try my hardest to keep that in mind... They need me and when I am a wreck, so are they.

I am not saying that I wont have my bad days, but I am going to try very hard to vent on my blog and to family after bedtime and not during the day with my kids!

Dad is still cracking us up!

We have been in Bluffton SC to be with my dad since friday. We have been working non-stop to get a lot of work done. Dad is doing "good". He is showering on his own, eating with help, drinking tons, but sleeps alot. He is still DAD... and I say that because he is still cheap and a neat freak! It cracks me up!

I need to share a few stories from down here. Dad is on hospice care. They come here twice a week to check on him. The sicker he gets, the more they will come. (Aunt Janet has moved in with him and will be taking care of him full time!) But being that he does not have insurance hospice has taken him on as a charity case. He does not have to pay for any of his meds! So the hospice women were here to give us the run down and dad was in his chair mumbling something. Billy when to check on him and he said to him " can you believe all of this shit they are giving me for FREE?" Billy almost fell on the floor in laughter. My dad is very cheap and this is making him so happy! LOL.

Then we needed to ask him some very tough questions... like where he wanted to be buried and how and all of the things you NEVER want to ask you parents or loved ones! But anyway, he said he wanted it done just like his sister.... and I quote " just like Angie's (his sister) memorial service and then they feed you . Food was great and it was CHEAP!" OMG... the man is going to worry about money in heaven! LOL.

I am very happy with the time we had here with dad and that we could still laugh at some of the stuff that he is thinking about! We love him tons and are scared to leave him. But there are many angels looking down on him, us, and his family... so I am ok leaving!!

Dad has an apt for a second opinion next monday. Pray for a good answer!

Overwhelmed!

***I am doing back through from things a wrote last week. I decided to post them. But they seem old now. So this might be info you already know!*****

So I sit here totally overwhelmed. And some of it is good overwhelmed. Let me paint the picture. As of bed last night I was mentally preparing myself for a 12+ hour car ride with my whole family to South Carolina. I was overwhelmed by this idea, but I was doing what ever I had to to get to my dad. I received an early phone call from my sister telling me that dad did not want all of the chaos. I totally understand and decided to do what my dad need and not what we wanted!



So to the computer I went to make arrangements to fly there! Ugg... after a little bit of back and forth they are booked! Leaving Friday morning coming home Monday night. I have not seen my husband since Monday, he will come home at 2 am and I will leave at 4:30 am. Maddie is upset that she is not going, but after much talking to her she now understands why there was a change of plans and she is OK with it!



So I went from packing for 5 mode to making sure everything is in the house for Jeff for the 4 days. So we went to the grocery store with them in mind. I think I totally failed on my mission, But Jeff will survive!



I am a bit overwhelmed by the out pour from my friends, neighbors, and families. People are taking my kids, offering to make us meals (I have rejected the offer ... but I might need it later!), people offering their homes and cars for us to use in SC, and so much more! And the prayers are coming from all over the world! I can not thank them enough and I really appreciate everything that people have done for me.



Tina and I are on edge, as we should be, but I know everything will be fine as soon as we are together (with my brother too!) dealing with this together and not on the phone all day everyday!



This blog is going to be my place to put my thoughts down so I don't explode. Jeff is currently in Arizona and was in California earlier this week, so with the time zone difference, we really have not talked much. So this blog will be my place to put it out there! Thank you again everyone...

My Dad

My sister started a page on her blog to keep the family updated on Dad. What a great way to keep everyone informed and not have to repeat the story 50 million times 200 times a day! So thank you TINA! www.rileybreen.com (Bill Carfaro Updates!) I was not going to blog about same thing, then I realized that the blog is my way to get out my emotions. I think I am going to need my blog to tell it my way, from my mind and emotions.

So for those of you that do not know what is going on ...

My dad has not been feeling well for a while. He was in the process of trying to get health insurance before he when to see a Doctor. In the mean time he was only getting sicker. He was finally taken to the ER by his neighbor on Saturday April 10th. Dad was convinced that his heart was failing. Heart disease runs in our family. After a few tests the heart checked out great! But he was diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer. According to the Drs in South Carolina it is untreatable. When dad is not looped up on Morphine, he sounds great!

Today Tina is on a mission to talk to the Dr's herself, get some answers and then have his records sent to Sloan Kettering for a second opinion. We have a lot a head of us...

Tina and I are planning a trip to see him as soon as we get some more answers. This trip might be as early as Friday. We just don't know yet! I will continue to write to keep you all updated on his life.

Right now Uncle Clem is with him and has been since he went into the hospital. Cousin Joanne went to see him today and cousins Jennifer and Mario are planning a trip down. Thank you everyone for your support! Pray hard... He needs it!

Blizzard 2010

Due to illness we really did not get to play for as long as we would have liked! But we did have a little fun! Enjoy our pics!

Sick Maddie...sick kids

I have to just post about my Maddie. I am writing this because I am truely worried, but I am just going to sit back and wait another day or two before I start to freak on doctors!

All of the kids have been sick most of the winter. Basically colds that come and go! No big deal! But lately we have been a bit worried. Maddie has had a fever for 5 days now. She does nothing but sleep. She does not eat. She has lost 3 lbs so far. She is still drinking and peeing.

All of the kids keep bouncing pink eye back and forth to eachother! So now, we line them all up (including Jeff) 2 times a day and torture them for 3 seconds. Maddies eyes are so red she can barely open them. Personally I don't think she still has the pink eye. If she is still red in the morning I am calling the Dr again. All of this really worries me and I am hoping this all clears up by itself. Today we took Maddie for a second opinion and they sent her for blood work. Needless to say that was tramatic, but she survived! Now we just wait 3 days for the results! 3 LONG DAYS!

Tyler also has pink eye and a double ear infection. So he is on an antiobiotic and has a super diaper rash from the affects of it! Poor kid!

Savannah is just getting the pink eye meds to aviod a breakout again! Trying to keep all of this straight is hard, but I think this is the first time I am going to give my kids ALL of the script without a drop left in the bottle. I hope this all helps! Thanks for listening to me. Pray for Maddie's health.

Why boys are so different than girls!!

OK, so I write knowing that I do not have any followers anymore because I do not write enough anymore. And for this I am so sorry. I have to admit that it took me about 10 tries to even get my login info correct. Well, sometimes there are things I just want to document because I want to remember it. So, if you do read, please comment so I know you are still there... waiting for me to be inspired!!

Anyhow, so people often ask me, so are boys different than girls. And my answer is YES! OMG.. so very very different. Both of my girls get into things, not like Tyler. So just the other day he discovered that the register for the heat duct was not secured to the floor. He took it off and examined the insides for a while before he decided to explore. Now, I was watching him and repeatedly taking it away from him, putting it back on and telling him NO!. He followed with a laugh and going right back in there. He began to dig as deep as he could to find what ever he could. He was pulling out dog food, dust, bugs, and many more disgusting things! It was so bad that I had to clean the duct with Lysol and vacuum it out. He worked so hard at it that he had marks on his forehead from pressing his head on the floor. (The pink around his mouth is lollipop, that too was placed in the duct.) Please view these pics and laugh. Now, I have to say I was laughing at his determination, but that was only because he was alone. If the girls would have been in the mix, I think I would have lost it.

Now tonight was funny, because he showed Savannah his trick and she was devastated. She put the cover back on and sat on it. Telling him NO NO NO... He was pissed to say the least that she was telling him no. He kept telling her "bouncy ball" so I think he put a ball in there and we could not find it! UT OH

He has also found the cover on the bottom of my fridge. He rips it off and uses it like a weapon. I am going to have to clean the inch of dust off the coils under the fridge soon! Ugg...

Enjoy the pics!